Two nuns on a tandem. The one on the back says, "Strange, I've never come this way before." The other one says, "It must be the cobbles."

Bad day: Going to a wedding and being told by elderly aunts "It's your turn next." Good Day: Getting your own back at funerals.

Monkey Shine animation "The Cyclists"

Something I heard my boss say - "It's similar to that, but in a different way".

Home run. How far can you wobble before you fall over?

Did you know that Eddie Stowbart, the haulage company known for their smart green livery, is actually run by Sideshow Bob from 'The Simpsons'. How do I know? The right hand rear door of all their trailers say 'die bart'. I think that's evidence enough.

If you have any love for the English language, or just want to avoid intense, toe-curling moments, do not, for the love of God, listen to the Ken Lee song.

Why are surgeons in the most unromantic profession? They think the best way to someone's heart is to cut the chest open and go through the rib cage. Why do french men not make good heart surgeons? Because the best way to someone's heart involves wine, chocolates, flowers, sweet talk and romance, not a scalpel.